Behind the Curtain
by CM Cameron
Summary: Take a look inside all the bizaire things that go down backstage at the WWE Headquarters.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Some Strange Stuff is Going Down

Backstage at the WWE Headquarters, Triple H is walking towards Mr. McMahons office when he bumps into CM Punk and Maria. A look of disgust covers Triple H's face.

"What the hell are you doing here, I sent you down to OVW and I told you to stay there. You don't belong here." says Triple H sternly to CM Punk.

"Don't get your panties in a bunch Paul, I'm just picking up Maria." CM Punk replies to Triple H with a slight grin on his face.

"Oh thats right, I forgot Maria was your new flavor of the week." Triple H says with a smirk on his face.

"Hey!" Maria yells at Triple H.

"Calm down, Triple H is just mad because Vince hasn't given him another World Title run yet." says CM Punk.

"Listen dirtba..." Triple H begins to say before he is interupted by CM Punk.

"Careful Paul, your nose is starting to get red." CM Punk says as Maria laughs.

"I don't have time for this I'm a 10 time World Champion, I don't need to have a battle of wits with some ROH reject." Triple H says angrily.

CM Punk is about to talk but before he can say anything John Cena walks up behind Triple H.

"Ya' know we'd all be 10 time World Champs too if we were sleepin' with the boss' daughter" John Cena says cockily.

"Well look who it is, Vannila Ice in the flesh." Triple H replies turning towards Cena.

"Nice comeback there Culombo." Cena glances over at CM Punk, "What are you doing here Phil, I thought you were with OVW?" Questions Cena.

"That seems to be everyone's favorite question tonight, C'mon Maria, lets go." CM Punk says.

The two head toward the arena exit. On their way they walk by Rob Van Dam, who gives them a nod. RVD walks over to Cena and Triple H.

"Whats he doing here?" RVD asks.

"Ya' Know, we asked the same thing." Cena says as he chuckles.

"As much as I would love to stand here and chit chat with you, Vince needs me in his office, he said he wants to talk about trying to have twins with Stephanie." Triple H says as he begins to walk away.

"Dude, not cool, you mean we might have even more little Triple H's on the way. Damn man, you're totally killing my chi." RVD says in disgust.

"Oh, go feng shui yourself, ying yang." Triple H says as he walks away.

"What's his problem?" asks Cena.

"Empitancy maybe. Maybe he isn't pleasing Stephanie anymore." suggests RVD.

"Not like it'd matter, Stephanie's so loose now, Tommy Lee couldn't pleasure her." says Cena.

"Thats wrong dude." RVD says.

"Sorry dawg, anyway, I gotta go, I'm gonna try that thing on the internet called E-Spin the Bottle." Cena replies as he starts to walk away.

"What's that?" asks RVD.

Cena stops walking and turns around. "It's spin the bottle on the internet, I gotta find myself a lady friend soon or I may become empitant."

"Why not just grab a girl from the crowd after a show, ya' know how many chicks would be willing to go home with you?" RVD replies.

"Nah man, there ain't that many." says Cena unbelievingly.

"Trust me dude, you've got more teenage whores on you then MySpace." RVD says reassuringly.

Cena laughs, "Whatever you say man, but see ya 'round dawg."

"See ya." RVD says as they both walk seperate ways.

As RVD continues down the hall he walks by the locker room and hears someone sobbing. The locker room door is slightly ajar so RVD sneeks a peek. To his suprise he sees JBL on his knees with tears rolling down his face.

"God," says JBL, "God please answer me."

"What now!" says a voice that echos through the locker room.

"I need a favor from you." says JBL as he sniffs.

"Enough Bradshaw, the deal was, I would let you strike it rich in the stock markets and have a ten month long WWE Title reign, in exchange for any talent that you may or may not posses. Now leave me alone, it's poker night at Moses' house and I'm gonna be late." says the voice.

"You play poker?" asks JBL.

"You got that right, playa." replies the voice.

"Huh? Is that you Theodore Long?" asks JBL.

"Damn straight!" says the voice.

RVD, having heard enough, walks in the locker room.

"Wait, so you mean to tell me that Teddy Long, is god!" says RVD in disbelief.

JBL jumps to his feet and tries to wipe the tears off his face before RVD notices.

"It's too late dude, I already saw you crying like a little bitch." RVD says.

"Oh, hey RVD." says Long.

"What the hell are you doing in here!" JBL says furiously.

"Wow, people do ask that question a lot. But anyway, so teddy, you're really god?" RVD asks.

"Yup." replies Long.

"And you're the Smack Down GM right?" RVD asks.

"That"s me." answers Long.

"Then if you're God and the Smack Down GM, how come Smack Down has sucked so much?" RVD asks.

But before Long can answer, another voice is heard coming from the hallway.

"HEY! Nothing you can say, nothings gonna change what you've done to me! Now it's time to shine, I'm gonna take whats mine!" sings the voice.

The person behind the voice walks into the room. It turns out to be Randy Orton. Orton walks into the romm and raises his arms.

"You're gonna be burnin' inside my light!" Orton continues to sing and then plays a little air guitar.

"Do you have to do that every time you enter a room?" asks JBL, but Orton ignores him.

"How's it going Randy?" asks Long.

"I'm doing good" Orton replies.

"Wait, you know about this too!" says RVD shocked.

"Of course, this is where everyone who isn't named Triple H comes to get there title shots." Orton replies. "Ya' see no one really wins there matches using there ability, Theodore Long, oh oops, I mean God here decides who wins and who loses around here.

"So you mean, I didn't win the WWE/ECW Championship by myself?" asks RVD looking concerned?

"Nope, now, back to buisness, what the hell are you guys doing in here?" JBL asks.

"Quiet Bradshaw, nobody cares about you!" Long shouts.

"Haha owned." says Orton as he laughs.

RVD is still shocked at the statement that Orton made and eventually faints. Both JBL and Orton look down at RVD and go to help him up, but before they can they hear a pounding noise coming from inside one of the lockers. Orton walks over to the locker and cautiously opens it to find Eugene.

"Oh, hi Randy, hi Bradshaw, do you remember me? My name is Eugene." says Eugene excitedly.

Orton rolls his eyes, "C'mon Nick enough with the pretending to be retarded backstage, that's only a gimmick."

"Actually Randy, he really is retarded, remember when he beat Kurt Angle in the Angle invitational and won Kurt's olympic gold medal?" asks Long.

"Yeah I remember, but whats that got to do with this?" asks Orton in reply.

"Well, while Eugene was in possesion of the gold medal, he would stare at it for hours. The bright shine eventually damaged many of his brain cells, thus, he became an actual retard. Many people also think that Eugene seeing Hulk Hogan's shiny bald head at WrestleMania 21 might have been an early contributer." answered Long.

"Haha pwnd." laughs Orton.

"What does that even mean?" asks JBL.

"It's like being majorly owned." Orton replies.

"Whatever, but Eugene, who locked you in the locker?" asks JBL with a confused look on his face.

"I did, I went into the locker to look for the Keibler Elfs and accidentally locked myself in." answers Eugene.

"You really are a retard Eugene." says Orton shaking his head.

Eugene gets a sad look on his face and starts to cry.

"Oh c'mon Eugene, I'm already disliked in the locker room, I don't need to be known as the guy who made the retard cry too." says Orton as he walks over to Eugene and tries to comfort him. Just as Eugene is about to calm down a loud bang is heard coming from the hallway.

"Hey JBL, try and wake RVD up and keep Eugene from crying anymore than he already has, I'm gonna see what that was." says Orton as he heads toward the door.

End of Chapter 1


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Backstage Mayhem

Randy Orton opens the door to find the source of the loud bang, when he looks around the hallway he sees a golf kart with a dented front end pressed against the wall. Ric Flair and Kurt Angle are sitting inside of it. Both men stumble out of the golf kart. Orton notices that a couple of Angle's veins are bulging and cautiously approaches them.

"What the hell are you guys doing!" asks Orton looking concerned.

"I'll tell you what we're not doing." answers Angle, "We're not recreating only the coolest jump from the Dukes of Hazard."

"Woooooooo!" says Flair.

"Who's golf kart is that? asks Orton.

"Rey Mysterio's, we were originally going to take one of his low riders but we couldn't hot wire them. All Flair did was woooooo at them. So we settled with this golf kart instead." replied Angle.

"Wooooooooo!" says Flair.

Angle gets bored and decides to try and apply the Ankle Lock on random objects.

"Hey Flair." Orton calls to Ric.

"Wooo." Flair responds

"Ummmmmm... yeah, well anyway, how did you get permission from Vince to let you try this?" Orton Questions.

"Wooooooooo!" answers Flair.

Orton gives Flair a blank stare trying to understand what he means when he hears a mumbling noise coming from under the golf kart. Orton looks over and sees Edge crawling from under the wrecked golf kart. Edge looks up at Orton and Flair.

"That's OK guys, I don't need any help." Edge says sarcastically.

Orton and Flair shrug their shoulders and half heartily help Edge out from under the wreckage. Once Edge gets to his feet he starts frantically looking around.

"Lita!" Edge yells out,"Lita where are you?"

"Over here." Lita yells back at Edge.

Edge, Orton and Flair look over to the smashed front end of the golf kart. Lita is positioned in between the wall and the golf kart.

"Oh my god, Lita are you all right!" Edge asks looking concerned.

"Dude, chill out! It's only a golf kart, not a freakin' monster truck, and besides, my massive cleavage absorbed most of the impact." Lita says.

"Oh, right." Edge says a little embarrassed. Edge then goes over to Lita and helps her out of the up.

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"What the! Oh no!" says Edge as he turns to the source of the disruption.

Flair and Orton look in the direction Edge is facing and see that Angle has applied the Ankle Lock to The Coach.

"Kurt hasn't by any chance had a Twinkie today has he?" asks Edge.

"WHERE'S THE GOD DAMN CREAM FILLING?" screams Angle.

"Never mind." says Edge.

"What's with Kurt and Twinkies?" asks Orton.

"He does this every time he has a Twinkie, I'm not sure what's wrong with him but..." Edge pauses to sidestep an air born Guldust flying towards him as a result of an overly powerful Belly to Belly Suplex from Angle.. "It's definitely something serious." Edge says as he looks at the unconscious body of Guldust shaking his head.

"Bang! Ba...oh shit...I mean Woooooooooooooo!" says Flair as he starts to blush.

"Well, we should probably get out of here before Angle finds us, his Twinkie rush should be over within a few hours but until then we should try our best to avoid him." warns Edge.

Everyone agrees and heads in different directions. Flair goes tothe locker room, Orton heads to the showers as a now conscience, and giggling, Goldust follows him, and Edge and Lita go down a neighboring hallway. Edge and Lita stop after walking down an uncountable amount of hallways (5 to be exact), since Lita starts complaining that her breasts are becoming to heavy to carry anymore and that she needs to rest, Edge agrees to stop for a while. After a 20 minute break, the two decide that they need to start moving again, but before they make too much progress they bump into The "Great" Khali and Daivari. Edge looks up at Khali in amazement.

"Daivari notices Edge and says, "You must be amazed at the size of Khali, correct?"

"No." says Edge still staring at Khali, his mouth is now hanging open.

"What? No? Then what are you staring at?" questions Daivari

"His man boobs." answers Edge, "There so big, hell there even bigger then yours Lita."

Lita looks down at her breasts and begins to compare hers with Khalis.

"And look, his boobs jiggle and he's not even moving." Edge says still in amazement.

"Hey!" Daivari says starting to get angered, "Do not mock "The Man Breast" Kha...I mean "The Great" Khali."

Edge ignores him and continues to stare.

"Stop staring at his man boobs!" yells Daivari who now begins to turn red.

"You think those are man boobs?" says a voice coming from behind Edge.

Everyone turns to see Mark Henry walking up to them.

"These are real man boobs." says Henry as he rubs his nipples, "And since you think yours are so great Khali, I challenge you to a Boob-Off."

"Ahgrebagadahgr." says Khali.

"He accepts!" translates Daivari.

Immediately after Daivari says that Lillian Garcia, Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler, some referee guy, and Captain Tanneal from MXC, all position themselves.

"In the corner to my left, weighing in at "extremely fat" Mark Henry!" says Lillian.

"Introducing next, weighing at "Overrated and a waste of space" The Great Khali!" says Lillian.

The camera cuts over to JR and Jerry Lawler.

"Good evening ladies and gentleman, we've got a slobber knocker for ya right here, but be warned this could get bowling shoe ugly at any moment." says JR excitedly.

"We're gonna see puppies JR!" Lawler says excitedly.

"Don't get to excited King, these aren't exactly the kind of puppies anyone wants to see." says JR looking at King.

"Speak for yourself JR." says King, beginning to sweat.

Okay folks lets take ya back to where the action is." says JR as the camera cuts back over to Khali and Henry.

Captain Tenneal walks in between them, "Les geet it on!" Tenneal walks out of the ring along with Lillian Garcia as the Boob-Off begins. Mark Henry takes off his shirt and begins to jiggle his boobs. But Khali, staying focused, turns his already vibrating boobies into high gear, and makes them move fast enough for lightning to generate in between his nipples. Henry sees this and becomes desperate, so he kicks Khali in the shin and shoves his face into his boobs. Khali begins to fade but using his high intellect he perfectly executes a titty twist. Henry can't stand the pain and is forced to submit.

"Here is your winner...The Great Khali!" announces Lillian as Edge and Lita applaud.

We then see JR sitting next to a passed out King, "What a slobber..." JR is interrupted by a familiar yell of intensity as Kurt Angle is seen running down the hall towards them. Edge and Lita look at each other in horror and immediately run into a nearby locker room, shut the door, and lock it. Mass chaos is heard outside the locker, Lita collapses in fear and Edge is trembling. After a few minutes the noises stop and Edge slowly checks outside. Daivari is laid out next to Khali, whose man boobs are still jiggling, Captain Tenneal and Lillian Garcia are both stuffed inside vending machines, the referee is nowhere to be found, and JR and The King are in a position that...well, lets just say it reminds me of the film Brokeback Mountain. Edge and Lita both have looks of terror on their faces.

"We've got to let Mr. McMahon know about this." says Lita shakily.

"Good Idea." replies Edge as the two of them run down the hall towards Mr. McMahon's office.

End of Chapter.


End file.
